BEING HEARD

   Recently I’ve been thinking about the way my brain works when someone is speaking to me. And the variety is great and wide. For example, I’m always keen to jump to my assessment of their point and conclusion, and I start formulating my response before they are finished. I recently interrupted someone to state their conclusion, and I was totally off and that proved to be embarrassing, which I deserved. I’ve also become distracted by a point they make with which I disagree or which I know is wrong and I can’t wait for them to finish so that I may educate them with my correction. 

   Sometimes while listening, I put myself in their position and determine how I would react if in such a situation and am ready to enlighten them with my insight. Recently, someone had a small speck of tissue on their chin and couldn’t wait for them to finish what they were saying so that I could politely ask them to run their hand around their chin.  I’m now trying to remember what they were saying and I can’t.  Then there is the judging character or affiliation so I could settle what box to put them in.

   I don’t know if it’s our paternalistic heritage, but my brain’s most dominant process when someone is speaking to me is to automatically search for what problem they are presenting and then figuring out how to solve it, and I’m ready to give them the solution before they are finished.

   I’m learning that sometimes when someone is speaking to me they don’t want to hear what I would do if I were in their situation, or for me to react by giving them my opinion and totally ignore theirs.

    More and more I am learning that they are sharing a thought, a feeling or an observation with me because they want to share it with me, and that’s it. They are not doing so because they want me to give them advice, correction or a solution. 

   I’m seeing that sometimes they just want to be heard. And many times, they just want me to show that I hear them. Sometimes when I am listening, nothing is better than focusing on what they are saying and feeling, and not thinking about me.

    One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is to repeat what they said in our own words and request verification from them that we understood what they were saying. Just doing that gives them the assurance that they have been heard. When we reflect on what someone has shared, we help them feel understood, valued, respected, and connected. Being heard doesn’t always solve a problem, but it often makes carrying it much easier.

–Markly Wilson